Who am I? I have NO idea anymore. I thought I had all the answers…turns out I didn’t.
I’m a wife, a mother, a grandmother, a daughter, in search of what I’m being called to do.
I work at a large east coast shipyard as a designer. I don’t really like it, but it pays the bills. I’ve done it for 10 years now. My husband and I work together in the same building, different departments.
We have, between the 2 of us, 5 children and 2 grandchildren. We’ve been married almost 12 years now, definitely a roller-coaster ride. We’ve gone to the edge of the cliff more than once, and have managed to claw ourselves back.
I was born, raised and educated Roman Catholic. Not that I lived in a terribly religious family, it was almost more cultural than anything else. I walked away from it in my early 20′s. I went back in my late 20′s, while I was living in a small town in the midwest. I was uber-involved at the time, daily Mass, Adoration, the whole thing. I was living in a pretty messed-up situation, married to someone who was abusive to me and the kids. The advice I got was that I had to put up with it because I could unite my suffering to Jesus’ suffering on the cross and offer it for the souls in purgatory (now that I write that, it seems really messed up!) In 1997, he decided that he’d had enough of me and the kids and kicked us out. We were homeless. I took my kids and moved back to my hometown, back to the parish I had grown up in. By then, I was jaded, cynical, hard.
I spent some time flirting with Christianity (not the Catholic kind), thinking that it was a good thing, but neither the liberal side nor the conservative side appealed to me. I had issues with both. I later decided to walk away from it all, figuring it was better to be an honest heathen than a hypocritical christian.
After some things that happened about a year ago, I decided (was guided?) to maybe try this whole Christianity thing again…I was battered, broken, beaten down, tired of running from the demons, running from the things that I knew I needed to face, and let the chips fall where they may. One day, while home alone, I picked up a bible that I had here in the house…I re-read the gospel stories of Jesus’ death and resurrection…and finally discovered what I hadn’t before…that God was real, that Christ DID die to save me, and I needed to bow at His feet and beg him to heal me, teach me, guide me. Since then, life really hasn’t been the same!
I still struggle with the desire to give some folks a piece of my mind. I still don’t believe some things that are taught as “gospel” regarding marriage. But, I’ll admit I’m colored by my experiences, and maybe I spend way too much time thinking. I don’t know what the Lord is going to do with me, what He’s calling me to do…but I’m eager to follow Him and find out!
